Friday, 4 November 2016

10 Things Ive Learned As A New Daddy (Part 19)

1. Putting shoes on Mara is pointless. She has this whole Sandie Shaw thing going on where she would rather be barefoot and proper kicks off if Caz or I try to put shoes on her. Plus, it just makes you late after you've put them back on her for the sixth time.

2. Toys that make a noise and don't have an off button can fuck right off. Granny Marie bought Mara this Lamaze bunny ball thing that giggles and says "WooHoo" and "Yippee" when its knocked or thrown around, but Mara was sick on it so it got chucked in the washing machine. It came out not working, so a couple of weeks later another arrives in the post! So a few weeks ago I took Mara to Glasgow for some Disney store adventures, and saw this bunny ball in the back of the car and stupidly gave her it thinking it was the duff one. Wrong. As soon as I hit the motorway she started kicking it around her car seat. I spent 40 minutes listening to it the whole way along the road and was demented by the time we got home. These toy developers have a lot to answer for IMO!

3. Those of you who don't have kids and complain about lack of sleep and being exhausted can kiss my big, tired arse!

4. Stacking Cups... Great for babies, brings out their destructive side when they manage to knock them down. Pain in the tits for adults who have to find them all after they've been scattered and rebuild them over and over again!

5. Elvis is getting more inquisitive of Mara these days and then instantly regrets it when she grabs at his ears unexpectedly. Poor bunny.

6. Memories of the first time we took Mara swimming on holiday still haunt me. Caz looked great in her swimming costume, Mara was totally nonchalant about the entire experience, walking into the cold water I looked like a Bond girl in reverse - only with hairier legs and bigger tits.

7. Caroline is going for the "Make everything seem as real as possible effect" with Mara's rocking horse. Its currently sitting in the living room wearing one of her bras as blinkers.

8. I want to dress Mara up as a pumpkin every day after seeing her at Halloween. She was so cute.
Tell you what though, when did the jokes kids tell when they come guising get so shit?

"Knock, Knock"
"Who's there?"
"You."
"You who?"
"You!"

9. The Tommee Tippee Sangenic Nappy Bin provides you with your very own nappy anaconda to wrestle with every other day. Today is that day. *Voms in mouth a little*

10. Every day, Tiny Toes melts my heart a little more with her emerging personality. I love watching her try to work things out and giggling away at the slightest thing. She is always smiling. And now she's doubled her proper words bank, we now have mummy to go along with last months dada!