Welcome to Car Seat Fight Club.
And yes we are going to talk about it.
We have recently binge watched GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling) on Netflix.
Watching the satirical drama has led me to realise there is a wrestling match taking place every day in my life. Sometimes several times a day.
Ladies and gentlemen may I introduce you to CROW (Car seat Refusal by Offspring Wrestling.)
Through my extensive research via the aforementioned mock 80's show, I have learnt that you need moves, and most importantly a signature move. You can't just jump in there and punch the car seat.
No. No, you need finesse, you need panache, you need DRAMA. And, luckily for the future success of CROW, Mara has drama in spades.
Bear with me while I talk you through some of her special moves.
There is the original "My Car Seat Is Trying To Eat Me." An oldie, but a goodie. Performed by arching ones back whilst placed in the optimum car seat position. The car seat is powerless to respond, its straps simply cannot fit around the waist when its so far away. Toddler edges ahead in the wrestling game.
Mara has upped her game in recent weeks by adding substantially to her repertoire. She now seamlessly moves from the "My Car Seat Is Trying To Eat Me" to "The Exorcist." This move involves a total 180 rotation. Car seat is helpless as toddler spins round and the ref (that would be me) frantically tries to catch toddler.
Then it's time for "The Crucifix," propelling herself upwards, Mara stands in the car seat and prepares from the penultimate move. This is similar to a wrestler standing on the ropes. The crowd goes wild (her grannie pleads with her from the passenger seat) and Mara raises her hands to a "T" shape, above the headrest. She is now wedged in place, unable to be lifted above, unable to be pulled down. Ref is dangerously close to calling the whole match and heading back into the house. (Who needs groceries anyway?)
It is now that Mara tackles her signature move, the mother of all finishes, designed to take out her nemesis. Yes, here is "The Birth Canal." From her position in "The Crucifix" she pulls her arms in and shoots down the car seat as if on a flume. Ref struggles to stop toddler before she rolls right under the ropes and out of the ring (through her poor mothers arms and out the car door.)
The car seat can't catch her, the match is over. Toddler emerges triumphant and hungry for a rematch.
Luckily, a rematch is imminent as the ref carts her off to meet her new opponent... The Buggy!