10 Things I've Learned As A New Daddy (Part 17)

1. When you're out shopping and they lose one half of the first pair of shoes you bought them on your last visit to Las Vegas when she was just a little bump... That'll bring a lump to your throat for sure.

2. After 27 hours straight looking after a baby it's extremely difficult to hold a conversation with another adult and fight the urge to make noises like a loon to get a giggle, squeeze their cheeks and not throw them up in the air a few times!

3. People who tell you that you should 'savour every single second of parenthood' are at best, unrealistic and at worst, f***ing idiots. Caroline was away on Louise's hen weekend this weekend and I've somehow managed to get through it on something like 14 hours sleep out of 96 since Thursday. The only thing I'm going to savour tonight is a couple of Nyquil to knock me out!

4. Being a parent makes you think about life and death more frequently than you may be comfortable with.

5. Sundays really are good days for doing proper 'dad things' like doing the gardening, taking an accumulation of crap to the tip and washing the car... I sound about 50...

6. Elvis doesn't like it too much when Mara squeals with delight. He thumps with disapproval and looks at you as if to say "Why did you bring this noise here? This is my house!"

7. Mara loves it when I do my best Macklemore impression and sing "Downtown" to her when I'm changing her or getting her dressed.

8. If I keep taking Mara to the Disney store at the rate I am, I'll have to sell more than a kidney.

9. When you've spent fifteen minutes wrestling them into their outfit for the day (trust me, it gets more difficult as they get bigger) and they give you "the stare..." and you then have to wrestle them back out of said clothes because they've shat up to their armpits and you're due to leave the house in two minutes and now you need to bath them because nobody wants a shitty baby stinking out the car.

10. Watching your little one battle their way through their first bad cold is both heart warming and hilarious. When was the last time you blew bubbles out of your nostrils and had someone clap?!